Megan Amram

Megan Amram

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Ed Hardy, Art Historian

MONA LISA (LEONARDO DA VINCI)

What up what up what up!!!!!! Let’s talk about some weak-ass gay-ass art! I’m Ed EFFIN’ Hardy and I’m gonna be your M-F-in’ DOCENT! Which is just a silly fancy McGaylord way of saying “art yeller-at-er”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a B.A. in ART from internet college (WebMD.com, MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT) and a Four Loko in my MAN PURSE. I’m ready to GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So: the Mona Lisa. This is trash. TRASH. How many tigers or skulls are in this painting? THE ANSWER IS ZERO, WHICH IS THE GAYEST NUMBER OF SKULLS OR TIGERS YOU CAN HAVE IN A PAINTING. Put some tigers around the Mona Lisa’s head and then, boom, you got the HARDY LISA. Now her little smile means “yeah, I got some bomb-ass tigers around my head, what you gonna do about it? Let’s make out and then go ivory poaching at Epcot!!!!” BOOM.

THE PERSISTANCE OF MEMORY (SALVADOR DALI)

THIS IS TRASH. Which is like what I initially said about the Mona Lisa but MUCH LOUDER, AS IF IT WAS IN ALL CAPS IN A CHAT ROOM FROM 2002!!!!!

Um can someone say GAY?? I mean, I know I can, as I have proven before and will prove again: GAY GAY-GAY (sung to the tune of “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga which is DOUBLE GAY). Here we got some clocks – which rhyme with “cocks” which is urban slang for “wangs” – and some beige-ass desert shit. Only colors that should ever be in art: NEON GREEN, NEON PINK, THE COLOR OF A BOOB (MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS), FLOURESCENT TIGER, NEON PEEN (PINK + GREEN OR THE COLOR OF A PEEN, MANY DIFFERENT OPTIONS), FOUR LOKO BARF.

THE LAST SUPPER (LEONARDO DA VINCI)

I may not know art (jk I do), but I know what I like/that if I had a Swiss Hardy Knife, here is what I would put in it: scepter, tiger, tiny gun, Lisa Frank art kit, boobs and/or tits, Guy Fieri.

OK, so, the Last Supper! It’s an unbelievably beautiful depiction of Jesus’ last moments of peace. HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More like Gay-sus’ last gayments of GAY! Did you see how I just replaced all major syllables of what I just said with “gay”?! That was in order to highlight the gay nature of the art!! NAILED THAT, ED. (He gives himself a high five, then sucks his own peen.) Now, in my humble opinion (IHOP), this painting could use some awesomeness, like a naked chick with rainbows for mush-melons. Maybe some tie-dyed roses and pizzas? OR A P’ZONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE GIRL WITH THE PEARL EARRING (JOHANNES VERMEER)

More like the Girl With The Pearl Necklace.* (*More like the Girl With The Lion Made Out Of Tigers*) (*Good one, Ed, lion made out of tigers, write that one down for a future design)

AMERICAN GOTHIC (GRANT WOOD)

Slap me with homing sausage and call me “Susan B. Cameltoe” because literally this painting could not be worse or gayer. Two old men holding a gay little salad fork?!?! It makes me more barfaroni than my recent meal of nine Four Lokos, a Slim Jim (no homo), a long banana (no homo), and a meat lovers P’Zone (no homo). This is gayer than Gay Gay Milne.

NUMBER FIVE (JACKSON POLLOCK)

This is a bunch of color swizzles. But some of the swizzles look like a neon skull on the crest of a tsunami made out of Blood Diamonds, so in that way this painting is great!

THE SCREAM (EDVARD MUNCH)

Oh my God an awesome joke when I was doing the Mona Lisa would have been “Mona Lisa Car,” like “Mona, lease a car.” Holy SHIT, ED, WRITE THAT DOWN!!!!!!!!!

AN ED HARDY VELOUR TRACK SUIT (ED HARDY)

This is art. This is art. This looks like stickers for a 7th grade girl who’s gotten into her dad’s speedball.

GUERNICA (PABLO PICASSO)

Guys I’m gay.

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