DEAR CHARLIE: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. Is it rude for me to ask for an extra invite to my friend’s wedding? – DONNA MURRAY, KANSAS CITY, KS

DEAR DONNA: Donna. Donna. Or should I say, “Jew-Harpy Stephen Spielberg.” This is all about YOU isn’t it. You JEW-CLOWN, this is all about DONNA’S problems, what about Charlie’s problems?!?! Trick question, CHARLIE DOESN’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, YOU BAG-BEEF OF DIRT-WITCH, Charlie ROLLS like a Cold Stone Creamery at dawn filled with fingers or BIBLES and did you know I killed all those birds and fish and I made the OIL SPILL and did you know you can get high on nothing but AOL news and crack cocaine?!!?!?! Your real name is “Jew-Milk.” I love drugs I hate drugs I love drugs. Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: I have a strange question. Should I dress sexier for work? I know it may seem tacky, but I think I missed out on a promotion because I dress too frumpily. Thank you. – KATIE KESSLER, ALBANY, NY

DEAR KATIE: Katie, 1) I am an Avatar; 2) fuck you, do you know what’s rude? JEW CLOWNS, which is what you ARE, and milk, because in some way, milk is the “Jew clown” of the cream-based beverage family, I hate you so much I want to put a bomb into your Dannon Activa, do you know what is also a trick question?? My name is not Charlie it’s “POWER W. McGOD VIII,” JUST KIDDING, IT’S “DRUGS,” JUST KIDDING, IT’S “GOD,” OK, SO I WANT YOU TO BE DEAD LIKE A DEAD BUTTERFLY. Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: My question is about my ex. He has a new girlfriend, but I haven’t moved on. Should I write him a letter? I’m so torn. – ANGIE O’CONNOR, WASHINGTON, DC

DEAR ANGIE: Angie Angie oh ANG-IE – that was a Cee Lo rap – I hate you so much I want to use a broom to sweep your face off your face and then put it in the Smithsonian Institute for Science and Rules because if I put it there then no one will be interested in seeing a floating face on exhibit in the Smithsonian because they’re too busy looking at Space Ships and the Bifocals and other REAL INVENTIONS THAT I MADE, I INVENTED ALL OF THOSE ANGIE. ANGIE I ONCE INVENTED HORSES. ANGIE WHAT ELSE DID I INVENT? THE ANSWER IS I INVENTED ICE, MUGS, THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, MAPS, AND JENNIFER GARNER, AND GOD. And drugs. Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: What is the proper attire for a woman attending a modern garden party? – ALEXANDRA MARIE-MURPHY, PORTLAND, OR

DEAR ALEXANDRA: OK don’t FUCKING INTERRUPT ME when I’m giving advice to Angie, that’s like they say “rude as Jew,” OK so whatever, sometimes if I concentrate hard enough, I can kill people in BROWN PARTS OF THE WORLD, you know, brown, like Africa, Middle East, Middle Earth, A Brown Crayon, Inside One of My Tiny God-Farts, Ohio. It’s so weird that I can kill them just by thinking about how much I hate them and by using a pitchfork. Did you know that my body is the EXACT SIZE to fit some DRUGS???? Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: What should I get my step-father for his birthday? I don’t know him very well. Thank you. – ALEXIS VELBER, SAN FRANCISCO, CA

DEAR ALEXIS: I have been alive for all years for I won God. Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: First of all, I love your column! That’s all! – CHARLIE SHEEN, LOS ANGELES, CA

DEAR CHARLIE: Who the FUCK do you think you are???? Oh you think you are a MAGIC BEATING HEART OUTSIDE OF A BODY THAT IS LEAKING NEON-PINK SUGAR-BLOOD????? I also think you are that, you are my God, God, I love you, your mouth is filled with only one large tooth, I want to die. Hope this helps!

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DEAR CHARLIE: First of all, I love your column! I read it every day. Anyway, I need some help with my son. I think he might have a drug problem. He’s been acting out at me, and I’m afraid he’s having problems with his friends and at work. I think he may even be putting his life in danger. Do you have any advice? Thank you. – MARTIN SHEEN, LOS ANGELES, CA

DEAR MARTIN: I am God. I am God.