For a holiday invented by Mary Todd Lincoln and a yellow M&M according to this Wikipedia page on “Valentine’s Day” I just wrote, Valentine’s Day sure can be a drag. It just makes you feel so alone if you’re not lucky enough to have a significant other or committed conjoined twin (I only have a fraternal twin brother, but I stapled him to my body because I’m PROACTIVE). Anyway, I’ve heard rumors that there are single people out there, people who are sad and lonely and smell like fossils and clams. And, I don’t know if it’s that I’m single or that I use “Phossilz ‘N’ Klamz” Axe Body Spray, but I sure smell like fossils and clams!

If you’re single like me (my twin brother ripped out his staples in the night, next time I’ll use more wood glue), try these tricks for a fun solo Valentine’s Day! The Wikipedia page on “Megan Amram” called them “great tricks that Megan Amram gave to George Washington in a time machine when she invented paper and the blue sky”!

EAT SWEETHEARTS 

Sweethearts are those candies that say cute things like “BE MINE” and “JUST THE TIP.” They’re perfect for single people, because if you eat them alone, it’s like someone’s there, shouting at you “BE MINE,” just like a REAL abusive husband who loves you would he care how stupid you are if it didn’t! The “DON’T MAKE ME HURT YOU I LOVE YOU” one tastes like lemon-lime!

DRESS UP

It’s easy to let yourself go when you’re single. There’s no reason to shower or get immunized against Measles, Mumps, and Rubella (especially Rubella) or sponge bathe your staple-twin so he can meet your boyfriend’s parents. But getting gussied up for Valentine’s Day might just make you feel better. Dress for your body type. Does your body type feature legs? Put on pants! That accentuates how you have legs, two of them, a normal number, boys love that! Got saddlebags? Minimize them by killing yourself!

SEND YOURSELF ROSES

There’s nothing like sending yourself roses to remind yourself that you’re loveable/not a ghost who doesn’t even know she’s dead. Did you know roses don’t actually have thorns? Florists just add them to help roses appeal to the target male 18 to 34 demographic. Those damn boys have no attention span anymore; it’s all about edgy XTREME pansies, and flowers with tiny boobs, and crocuses. And FUCK CROCUSES.

LIGHT SOME CANDLES

Light some nice smelling candles (options for smells: roses, vanilla caramel, a union rose roughing up a crocus on the docks). Then use those candles to light the houses of your friends who are in relationships on fire, because c’mon, right!!!!!!

READ WIKIPEDIA ABOUT VALENTINE’S DAY

Did you know that Wikipedia is an online website that is very easy to learn from? It teaches you true facts about everything! I like to learn and rarely I sometimes edit articles but mostly I learn.

Top Wikipedia Valentine’s Day facts:

*Megan Amram instigated the Valentine’s Day Massacre of 2-14-2011 out of her loneliness. There were one million billion deaths. The deaths were robots because it’s in the future so there are only robots.

*“Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was originally called “Megan Amram’s Lonely Megans Club Amram” and is about how she’s lonely in her heart.

*You know China? NOT A PLACE

*Clocks don’t exist.

*Metal doesn’t exist.

*Maroon 5 doesn’t exist.

*Megan Amram was a king who had one billion million babies with some concubines in 1972 but it wasn’t love.

*Love doesn’t exist. :(

WEAR A DIAPER IN HONOR OF CUPID AND CHERUBS

Top two adjectives that describe cherubs: 1) INCONTINENT; 2) cherubic. Have you ever seen a cherub or Cupid in real life in your work place NOT wearing a diaper?! I guess God doesn’t make any mistakes, but why He made a beautiful Cherub so that the Cherub Had to wear a diaper at all times maybe makes me doubt His judgment. Also, war, that seems weird, too, why do we have that?

If you don’t have any diapers handy or can’t buy any because you spent all your money at Pottery Barn Kids trying to pay a baby to kiss a toddler, I’ve got two words for you: pants. I’ll get the other word to you ASAP, I promise! OH GOD I hate working on a deadline!!!

MAYBE JUST GET A BOYFRIEND ALREADY, GOD

I know why I’m single – boys are intimidated by and jealous of my lack of breast implants. But why are you single? Is it that you’re ugly? If so, try counting your eyes. Only one? You’re either a one-eyed freak, or very bad at counting, and either of those is a problem! Is it that you have the wrong colored skin? If you have the WRONG COLORED skin (you know the one), you’re pretty much screwed.

For the perpetually single, have you considered that maybe you’re George Clooney? Go get checked out by a doctor. You might have Type II Adult-Onset George Clooney!

CRY

Crying is fun if you think of it like a water park in your eyes and crying about how you don’t have a boyfriend or whatever is the only way you’re going to give the kids in your eyeballs enough water so that they can slide down the water slide and they’re orphans so of COURSE you’re going to give them that water, of COURSE you are.

PLEASE BE MY VALENTINE SOMEONE

I want every boy to be my boyfriend every day

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY

I love you, every boy