ABOUT THIS PROJECT
Hi you guys! Joe Biden and the rest of the gang here! :) We’re looking for some awesome people to help us Kickstart our dream project of having a functioning federal government! That’s where you come in: all we’re asking for is a little help. And twenty trillion dollars.
As you may know, we (the United States government) are a little strapped for cash. Salvage a first-world government’s economy? In this economy?! As the kids say, “LOL!” (Laugh On Line!) We may be the ones responsible for “this economy” in the first place but still. Uncle Sam may have gotten us into this mess, but WE WANT YOU…to GET US OUT!
There is little if any funding available for small-to-midsize debt-based projects such as this. Through Kickstarter, with your support, the country that you live in can remain a free sovereign nation instead of having to sell Ohio to China, cause then Ohio would probably start speaking Chinese, and that’s FUCKED UP.
A LITTLE BACKGROUND:
For those of you who don’t know, the USA is the best! Originally from England, the United States government has been a major world power since it was founded in 1776. The U.S. has brought you such great things such as sugar, mistresses, and obesity. Proud home to milk and Ashton Kutcher. Really into righteous wars!
For those of you into civil rights: no slavery! For those of you into slavery: we used to have slavery!
Imagine that famous picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated of Terri Schiavo holding an American flag. That’s our flag! On second thought, I think that was a painting I did in 2004 after doing grass for one of the first times. Still, she looks great in a tankini. As the kids say, “LOL!” (LOL A Lot!)
We’d like the United States to be fiscally autonomous. It’s been in the works for many years now, and we think it could be great. Thanks to Kickstarter, we have a chance to reach individuals who will personally bail us out of this mess. How great, for us!
I know it’s a crazy dream, but hey – this is a country of dreamers. Dreamers, and Christians.
HELP US, BACKERS, YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE!:
Just a little Star Wards humor for ya!
Live A Little! Give A Lot (“GOL”)!
We’ve tried pretty much everything else at this point: war, selling some cars, literally making more money (you’d think that would work!!), blaming people, blaming gay “people,” war, and debt. None of that has touched the debt. Except debt, which has made the debt worse. Also, war!
If we’re able to meet our Kickstarter goal, you will have literally been part of a miracle. A miracle in the great Judeo-Christian tradition of this fair country. Of dreamers!
BACK THIS PROJECT
PLEDGE $10 OR MORE
For your fairly useless donation to help the United States of America not founder under the multi-trillion dollar debt that we have amassed over decades of misspending and unnecessary wars that some may argue constitute war crimes, you get a tote.
PLEDGE $20 OR MORE
If you donate $20, we will list you as an associate producer of the Government by carving your name into the Vietnam War Memorial. You can tell all your friends you’re a ghost because you died in the Vietnam War! You know – the righteous one!
PLEDGE $25 OR MORE
I didn’t want to say this to the $20 people, but those guys are assholes. What kind of an asshole only donates $20 to a multitrillion dollar debt that is growing by 4 billion every day and has no sign of slowing? $25, now that’s the MONEY-money! If you donate $25, you get a tote (large).
PLEDGE $50 OR MORE
You’ve finally taken the responsibility of the country into your own hands! I will make you a tie-dye t-shirt and cook you and five of your friends a hot dog BBQ at my gf’s place. I date her for her BBQ pit.* She’s like a 4. But she’s got a sweet pit. *I call her vagina her “BBQ Pit.”
PLEDGE $100 OR MORE
If you pledge $100, which so far only my mom has done and Barack’s mother-in-law has done (let’s get on this, people), you will not only receive Special Thanks in the State of the Union as well as on the back of all nickels minted this year at the Denver mint, but Stephanie, our videographer, will take you to a Foster the People (“FOPOL”) cover band (“Foster!”) concert on October 28th, and yes, you can tell people it’s a date. This concert’s going to be great! They’re going to play “Pumped Up Kicks” 14 times and then, maybe if you clap enough, they’ll do an encore and it will be “Pumped Up Kicks”!!!
PLEDGE $100,000 OR MORE
Well HEY there, Mr. Hollywood producer!! A pledge of one hundred thousand dollars or more will get you a walk-on role in the next meeting of Congress. Your vote for bills and propositions will be legally binding, so have fun! Don’t name any public parks after racial slurs!
PLEDGE $1,000,000 OR MORE
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000 OR MORE
We will change the American Flag!! We will replace each star with your face. Unless you’re black, since the stars are white and it really makes sense for them to be as close to white as possible. Though, if you’re giving a billion dollars, we’ll assume you’re white or maybe a Dubaian light brown!!!!!!!
PLEDGE $1,000,000,050 OR MORE
Everything from the $1,000,000,000 level, plus a tote.
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Start whatever war you want!! You want a new Civil War where Asians have to fight their brown Asian brothers???? You got it, bucko!!!! Hate crime Pollacks? A PLUS+++. You want to take over Ireland? Those Pollacks haven’t done anything in years. JUST want to kill Disney Channel kid stars?!? THAT’S PRACTICALLY LEGAL ALREADY! Kill a girl. Kill a kid. You got it.
PLEDGE $20,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Kill so many kids. (KOL!)