Megan Amram

Megan Amram

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New Year’s Resolutions: Year 3012

Lose fifteen pounds from your problem areas (hips, fifth and fourteenth space-boobs, vestigial face)

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Spend more time with your government-rationed .452 of a son or daughter

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Take the family on a trip to www.nature.com

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Volunteer at your local chapter of the White People Remembrance League (white people have been extinct since 2021, you are an exotic mixture of brown and Asian and Roomba)

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Read the Bible, especially the part that is a novelization of “We Bought A Zoo 624: Zoo-n Yi Previn,” which is all the parts

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Pray to the Mother Goddess Zooey Deschanel, who first displayed her omnipotent god powers at the 2014 People’s Choice Awards by renewing “19 Kids And Counting” for 998 more seasons

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Watch less TV, even though “5,731,476,425,736 Kids And Counting” is SO good

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Learn moon-French

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Write a screenplay called “We Bought A Zoo 625: We Bought A Zoo-ey Deschanel”

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Vote for “5,731,476,425,736 Kids And Counting” in the 3012 People’s Choice Awards for “Best Show Where A Human Lady is Basically A Spider’s Egg Sac With Stretch Marks”

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Vote for “Zooey Deschanel” in the 3012 People’s Choice Awards as “Best Deity,” “Only Deity,” and “~*~Kewlest~*~ Bangs”

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Buy a new Moon Bounce (here on the moon we just call them “Bounces”)

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Get promoted from “slave to Zooey Deschanel” to “human sacrifice to Zooey Deschanel” (lateral promotion)

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Organize your space-boobs by type (normal, space, brown, formal, or Chicago-style)

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Be all like, “how is it the future and they STILL haven’t invented flying cars” (am I right ladies!!!!!!)

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Kill Dick Clark

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