January 2013
2 posts
WatchDannon Birth Control on the Bottom
Corrections
The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday’s paper.
We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s.
Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom...
July 2012
1 post
America: A Review
How to begin this review? Few countries that debuted in the 1700s have been as controversial or long running (it’s into its 236th season now) as America. It may not have the staying power of perennial favorites such as China or the credibility of indie darlings such as Finland, but America has proven that it can at least make some cultural impact. It’s not the best, but hey, they can’t all be...
May 2012
1 post
Kickstarter: National Debt
ABOUT THIS PROJECT
Hi you guys! Joe Biden and the rest of the gang here! :) We’re looking for some awesome people to help us Kickstart our dream project of having a functioning federal government! That’s where you come in: all we’re asking for is a little help. And twenty trillion dollars.
As you may know, we (the United States government) are a little strapped for cash. Salvage a...
April 2012
1 post
Ayn Randers
Dear Ayn,
I’m dating a man who I think I love, but I’m afraid he’s having an affair. He comes home late, he acts suspiciously, and he even has red lipstick on his collar. Should I confront him or just hope for the best?
- County Af-fair
Dear County,
Red lipstick? Your husband is a Communist. Divorce him and sell his clothes, children, and pens to make money to spend on cars, human slaves,...
March 2012
1 post
Shakespearean Spam
URGENT REQUEST FROM MOOR OF VENICE
O Hello !
I am a Moorish prince ! It is with heart full of hope &tragedye that I explain this tragedye.
my wife Desideminna was killed with a stab &and I tragically cannotget in her will which left me many of her possessions: moneyes, whitescarves, whiches bramble. Please help me live wi/out the brambles by donating your...
February 2012
0 posts
January 2012
3 posts
Paula Deen’s Health Food Cookbook
Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!
FRUIT SALAD
INGREDIENTS:
1 lb. bag of Skittles
3 cups ranch dressing
DIRECTIONS:
Mix well. Serve room temperature.
-
PAULA’S BROWN RICE
INGREDIENTS:
1 pilaf white rice
1 bowl melted Junior Mints
DIRECTIONS:
Cover rice in...
Bad Adjectives To Use At A Wine Tasting
Curdled
Chubby
Shrimp-flavored
Like white wine but red
Boiling
Deep-dish
Circumcised
Like bad wine
Black
Tastes like what I had as a kid in the orphanage
Wife material
Like booze-gravy
Winey
Gay
December 2011
1 post
New Year's Resolutions: Year 3012
Lose fifteen pounds from your problem areas (hips, fifth and fourteenth space-boobs, vestigial face)
*
Spend more time with your government-rationed .452 of a son or daughter
*
Take the family on a trip to www.nature.com
*
Volunteer at your local chapter of the White People Remembrance League (white people have been extinct since 2021, you are an exotic mixture of brown and Asian and...
October 2011
2 posts
Quiz: Do You Have Cancer?
Do you have cancer? Find out with this fun, flirty quiz!!
1. It’s the middle of class and your crush looks over to see you:
a. Texting him!
b. Paying attention to the teacher. Come on – it’s class!
c. Picking at a large new mole that has recently developed on your forearm!
*
2. When you’re out with your friends, you are:
a. Gossiping about the cute new boy in 4th...
Political Ben & Jerry's Flavors: 2011
Rick Berry
Malt Romney
Occu-Pie Wall-nut
Donut Ask, Don’t Caramel
ChocoPie GumBall Street
Women’s Right to Chews* (*Taffys)
Marshmell’ Bachmann
Marshmell’ Choc-mint
Troy Davis’ Capital PunishMint
Rick Santorum Is A Homosexual Assdouche Fudge Swirl
Snickerhead Ranch
September 2011
1 post
Anniversary
One year ago today, I got in the driver’s seat of a car that my mother paid for and gave me and drove from Portland, Oregon to Los Angeles, California to (at most) flourish and (at least) not die. Ten years ago today, some normal-sized people hijacked some normal-sized planes and flew them into the Twin Towers in New York City, two of the tallest buildings in the United States of America, and...
August 2011
1 post
Ed Hardy, Art Historian
MONA LISA (LEONARDO DA VINCI)
What up what up what up!!!!!! Let’s talk about some weak-ass gay-ass art! I’m Ed EFFIN’ Hardy and I’m gonna be your M-F-in’ DOCENT! Which is just a silly fancy McGaylord way of saying “art yeller-at-er”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a B.A. in ART from internet college (WebMD.com, MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT) and a Four Loko in my MAN PURSE. I’m ready to...
July 2011
1 post
My Favorite Harry Potter Spells
Avada Kedavra
Expecto Patronum
Mariska Hargitay
Finite Incantatem
Tupac Shakur
Colbert Report
Jamba Juice
Homenum Revelio
Iced Carmel Macchiato
Terri Schiavo
Malignant Carcinoma
Carmageddon
Bosnia and Herzegovina
Wingardium Leviosa
Bingblardium Bleviblosa
Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon
Pilates Instructor
How I Met Your Mother
Abracadabra
June 2011
1 post
What I Imagine "Game Of Thrones" Is Like Based On...
The sun rises over a castle, a castle made of swords and pegasuses and gargoyles shaped like dongs. In the distance, 100 concubines have sex with their sisters and step-dads.
EDDARD STARK: I, Eddard Stark, am a warrior of the Dawn-Dune. I have bedded many lady-women in the dew of Beowulf’s May-Pole.
LORD PATYR “LITTLEFINGER” BAELISH: I, Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, have blood...
May 2011
3 posts
Upcoming Urban Outfitters Books
Hot Sad Girls With Gout
100 Recipes For Tea You Can Put Your Dick In
Where’s Waldo?: Coachella Edition
Indians Dressed Up As The Other Type Of Indians
Ronald Reagan Looking At Cameltoes
How To Quit Quitting Smoking
Girls With Bangs With Rosacea
4 Hipstamatic Pictures of Dead Stepmoms
Beardception: A Beard Within A Beard
Bomb-Ass Toddlers
This Is Not My Dentist
Mein Kampf And...
Vote For Me
Today I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. Yes, TODAY. The 12th day of May in the year 1 A.G. (After Ga’Hoole). Yes, THE UNITED STATES. You know, the one with that one state (Colorado, or maybe I am thinking of West Carolina). I believe we can return America to a country with superpower status and supermodel looks (example: add boobs to the Lincoln Memorial, add...
April 2011
2 posts
Celebrity Fragrances
Get ready for a new batch of celebrity perfumes and colognes in 2011!
CELEBRITY: Donald Trump
TITLE: Firéëd (For Her)
SCENT: Musk, burnt orphans, a diamond shaped like a ruby, burnt eyelashes, crème, Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, some slaves
***
CELEBRITY: Guy Fieri
TITLE: Sweatin’ From My Crannies (For Her)
SCENT: Right moob sweat, upper thigh sweat, pot pies, Aorta sweat, Gogurt...
Sex & The Post-Apocalyptic Dystopian Landscape
(CARRIE, MIRANDA, CHARLOTTE, and SAMANTHA sit around a brunch table in a smoldering crater after the Apocalypse. They sip mimosa glasses filled with scarab beetles and blood. SAMANTHA is on fire.)
CARRIE: Ladies, have you ever noticed how hard it is to find a good man in this post-Apocalyptic dystopian landscape?!
MIRANDA: Have I ever!! It seems like all the good men are either taken or don’t have...
March 2011
3 posts
Unpublished Shakespeare
Historians just discovered a bunch of previously unpublished Shakespearean manuscripts!
The Bastard, The Wife, And The Whor’
Richard the Roman Num’ral’d
The Snowpocalypse of Henry the Parch-Toothed the VXXXCCDXIIIXASSXIVIII
My Dog Skip
Snide Wives For A Farthing
Snide Wives For A Farthing 2: Baby Geniuses
Earth-Poplin Day
The Whore and The Wife
Richard, Just Plain Ol’ Richard!!!!!
Antiochus’...
Dear Charlie Sheen
DEAR CHARLIE: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. Is it rude for me to ask for an extra invite to my friend’s wedding? – DONNA MURRAY, KANSAS CITY, KS
DEAR DONNA: Donna. Donna. Or should I say, “Jew-Harpy Stephen Spielberg.” This is all about YOU isn’t it. You JEW-CLOWN, this is all about DONNA’S problems, what about Charlie’s problems?!?! Trick question, CHARLIE DOESN’T...
February 2011
2 posts
Things To Do Before I Die
See Paris
See anything (I’m blind)
Swim WITHOUT dolphins for ONCE
Milk one of God’s lesser beasts (bat, eel, etc.)
Climb a mountain (acceptable types of mountains: hard rock candy, Brokeback)
Go back in time and go to Hitler and be like hey come on
Tickle a bat ;)
Finally ask out Rick (he is so cute, he makes Brad Pitt look ugly and/or like a bat!!)
Stay up all night to see the sunrise or at least...
Solo Valentine's Day
For a holiday invented by Mary Todd Lincoln and a yellow M&M according to this Wikipedia page on “Valentine’s Day” I just wrote, Valentine’s Day sure can be a drag. It just makes you feel so alone if you’re not lucky enough to have a significant other or committed conjoined twin (I only have a fraternal twin brother, but I stapled him to my body because I’m PROACTIVE). Anyway, I’ve heard...
January 2011
2 posts
Chick Fight
Guy 1: Look at those chicks over there, dude. They’re getting in a huge pillow fight.
Guy 2: Man, there is nothing hotter than two chicks fighting! I’m so proud to be a dude with a chick-fight boner!
Guy 1: I prefer “boner-American”!!!! (high five like you’ve never seen before)
Guy 2: I hear you about the chick fight, and the fact that one of the chicks is stuffing her pillow with knives and...
Cable TV
Get ready for these great upcoming new shows on your favorite cable TV channels in 2011!
TLC
Short AND Fat!
Large Cupcakes!: Cupcakes The Size Of Full-Sized Cakes!
Too Many Kids!
Uh Oh, I Taxadermied My Stepson!
Not Enough Kids!
Kate Plus Some Muslims! (Miniseries)
Sarah Palin’s Dog Show With Midgets Instead Of Dogs So It’s A MIDGET SHOW!
MTV
16 And Barren
Made: I Want To Have Anemia
Thanks...
December 2010
4 posts
Black Swan
MILA KUNIS: I’m going to dance the Black Swan.
NATALIE PORTMAN: No, that’s my role. I’m going to dance the Black Swan.
(Door bursts open.)
PAULA ABDUL: No, you’re both wrong. I’M GOING TO DANCE THE BLACK SWAN!!!!!!!!
(PAULA applauds for herself and winks at two non-existent TV cameras. She spits out a tooth.)
MILA & NATALIE: Oh, Paula, not again!
(PAULA hits her baby toes with a hammer...
Eulogy
How I imagine my twin brother Alec would give my eulogy.
We’re gathered here today to say our last goodbyes to Megan Amram. To some, she was a daughter, to others, a dumb fat person, to still others, a fat person. What do you say about a girl who was able to combine shooting a basket on the wrong hoop in 6th grade basketball with being fat? Not much before you get bored of being at this funeral...
Rejected Hallmark Cards
BIRTHDAY
Front: Happy 78th birthday!
Inside: In America, the average life expectancy is 78 years and 5 months.
GET WELL SOON
Front: The word ”Ebola” sure sounds funny when you say it a lot!!! Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola.
Inside: Get well soon.
FATHER’S DAY
Front: Happy Father’s Day to the best father I’ve ever...
It's Getting Hard To Use All Of The Whale
Legend has it that ancient Inuits used every part of the whales that they hunted.
INUIT HUSBAND: What’s for dinner tonight, honey?
INUIT WIFE: More like, “what’s for whale tonight, whaley”? (laughs) Or even, like, “whale’s whale whale whale-night, honwhale?” (laughs) It’s whale, obviously! (laughs)
INUIT HUSBAND: I should have guessed. It’s always whale. What part this time?
INUIT WIFE: Well,...
November 2010
5 posts
FIRST CHRISTMAS®
Because I was raised as a Jew, a woman, and a Democrat, I was denied the luxury of celebrating Christmas. In December, when the other children would dream of sugarplums, I would dream of regular plums. When the other children would dream about Nutcrackers, I would dream of regular plums (I’m super into plums). I just knew Christmas as that day where my family would eat Chinese Food and mom would...
What Your Dreams Say About You
DREAM: You are being pursued by a serial killer.
MEANING: You have an irrational fear of serial killers.
DREAM: You have a big test at school but forgot to study.
MEANING: You are feeling inadequate about something in the wiener-department. Maybe the top of your wiener? There’s a “top,” right? I don’t really “get” wieners.
DREAM: It’s the apocalypse.
MEANING: You have a big test at...
Romance Novels
Recently, I‘ve gotten really into romance novels. Here are some of the blurbs from my absolute FAVES!
“Molly McInvaille is your typical Irish beauty: red hair, green eyes, more than one eye. A poor milkmaid, she believes that she will remain a virgin for the rest of her life due to her extreme beauty (boys in this historical period like cool personalities and not looks). Unfortunately...
45-Year-Old Nancy Drew Reflects
NANCY: How was your day, honey?
ALLEN: Long. I’m completely exhausted. You?
NANCY: Allen, I was looking through my old case files in the attic today, and I’m seriously thinking of getting back into the detective business. The children are grown, and I feel like it could be really good for me!
ALLEN: This is just the hysterectomy talking.
NANCY: I’ve even thought of a title for my first case. I’ll...
Unemployment
November 2 was a big day for America. No, I’m not talking about Election Day or Tues Day; it was Dia De Los Muertos (from the Spanish for “Day Of The Muertos”). Over the past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to live in a country like the U.S. Namely, Dubai, which is like the U.S. in a lot of important ways (economic, topographic, textile, etc., etc.). But then, as I...
October 2010
6 posts
Where Not To See Celebs
I’ve lived in Hollywood for six weeks now (that’s 42 in Hollywood-slut-weeks), and it seems like everywhere I turn there’s another celebrity. On Hollywood Blvd. – it’s Charlie Sheen, punching a nun in the boob! In Beverly Hills – it’s Jon Gosselin, wearing an “I Am A Celebrity” dickie! In my binoculars – it’s a sexy male nurse, undressing in front of the very window that my binoculars are aimed...
No Babies, Please!
Most girls have the same life goals: date a boy, get voted Homecoming Queen (popular and electoral votes), get married, take a picture of a Chupacabra, renew your vows, get divorced, renew your divorce-vows, eat a pie behind a middle school, get remarried, and have a baby. Call me crazy, but no baby for me, please! I want my life to be fun and easy, not, as Shakespeare might say, “done and queasy”...
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Little is known about the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Picasso.
MICHELANGELO: Totally rad — this toxic waste has made us into, like, super-turtles!!
PICASSO: Bros, I don’t feel so great after all that toxic waste.
LEONARDO: I’m stronger than ever and I can easily wield this Japanese sword I just found. How about you, Picasso? What’s your special new power?
PICASSO: I’m nauseous, and...
Girlfriend Cover Letter
To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Megan Amram, and this letter is to express my interest in the position of “Matt’s Girlfriend.” The opportunity presented in this listing is very appealing, and I believe that my experience, desperation, and non-FDA-approved scratch-and-sniff tramp stamp will make me a competitive candidate for this position.
The key strengths that I possess for success in this...
I INVENTED FACEBOOK
We can all agree: the world is going to the dogs. It seems like everywhere you look, someone is joining a gang (Team Jacob) or is hosting an underground cockfight (BYOC) or helping an old woman cross the street but then whispering in her ear, “you will never have any more babies out of your body.” This lack of morals, propriety, and fertility extends to my life. You see, I invented Facebook, and...
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