Dannon Birth Control on the Bottom
The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday’s paper. We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s. Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom...
America: A Review
How to begin this review? Few countries that debuted in the 1700s have been as controversial or long running (it’s into its 236th season now) as America. It may not have the staying power of perennial favorites such as China or the credibility of indie darlings such as Finland, but America has proven that it can at least make some cultural impact. It’s not the best, but hey, they can’t all be...
Kickstarter: National Debt
ABOUT THIS PROJECT Hi you guys! Joe Biden and the rest of the gang here! :) We’re looking for some awesome people to help us Kickstart our dream project of having a functioning federal government! That’s where you come in: all we’re asking for is a little help. And twenty trillion dollars. As you may know, we (the United States government) are a little strapped for cash. Salvage a...
Dear Ayn, I’m dating a man who I think I love, but I’m afraid he’s having an affair. He comes home late, he acts suspiciously, and he even has red lipstick on his collar. Should I confront him or just hope for the best? - County Af-fair Dear County, Red lipstick? Your husband is a Communist. Divorce him and sell his clothes, children, and pens to make money to spend on cars, human slaves,...
URGENT REQUEST FROM MOOR OF VENICE O Hello ! I am a Moorish prince ! It is with heart full of hope &tragedye that I explain this tragedye. my wife Desideminna was killed with a stab &and I tragically cannotget in her will which left me many of her possessions: moneyes, whitescarves, whiches bramble. Please help me live wi/out the brambles by donating your...
Paula Deen’s Health Food Cookbook
Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts! FRUIT SALAD INGREDIENTS: 1 lb. bag of Skittles 3 cups ranch dressing DIRECTIONS: Mix well. Serve room temperature. - PAULA’S BROWN RICE INGREDIENTS: 1 pilaf white rice 1 bowl melted Junior Mints DIRECTIONS: Cover rice in...
Bad Adjectives To Use At A Wine Tasting
Curdled Chubby Shrimp-flavored Like white wine but red Boiling Deep-dish Circumcised Like bad wine Black Tastes like what I had as a kid in the orphanage Wife material Like booze-gravy Winey Gay
New Year's Resolutions: Year 3012
Lose fifteen pounds from your problem areas (hips, fifth and fourteenth space-boobs, vestigial face) * Spend more time with your government-rationed .452 of a son or daughter * Take the family on a trip to www.nature.com * Volunteer at your local chapter of the White People Remembrance League (white people have been extinct since 2021, you are an exotic mixture of brown and Asian and...
Quiz: Do You Have Cancer?
Do you have cancer? Find out with this fun, flirty quiz!! 1. It’s the middle of class and your crush looks over to see you: a. Texting him! b. Paying attention to the teacher. Come on – it’s class! c. Picking at a large new mole that has recently developed on your forearm! * 2. When you’re out with your friends, you are: a. Gossiping about the cute new boy in 4th...
Political Ben & Jerry's Flavors: 2011
Rick Berry Malt Romney Occu-Pie Wall-nut Donut Ask, Don’t Caramel ChocoPie GumBall Street Women’s Right to Chews* (*Taffys) Marshmell’ Bachmann Marshmell’ Choc-mint Troy Davis’ Capital PunishMint Rick Santorum Is A Homosexual Assdouche Fudge Swirl Snickerhead Ranch
One year ago today, I got in the driver’s seat of a car that my mother paid for and gave me and drove from Portland, Oregon to Los Angeles, California to (at most) flourish and (at least) not die. Ten years ago today, some normal-sized people hijacked some normal-sized planes and flew them into the Twin Towers in New York City, two of the tallest buildings in the United States of America, and...
Ed Hardy, Art Historian
MONA LISA (LEONARDO DA VINCI) What up what up what up!!!!!! Let’s talk about some weak-ass gay-ass art! I’m Ed EFFIN’ Hardy and I’m gonna be your M-F-in’ DOCENT! Which is just a silly fancy McGaylord way of saying “art yeller-at-er”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I got a B.A. in ART from internet college (WebMD.com, MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT) and a Four Loko in my MAN PURSE. I’m ready to...
My Favorite Harry Potter Spells
Avada Kedavra Expecto Patronum Mariska Hargitay Finite Incantatem Tupac Shakur Colbert Report Jamba Juice Homenum Revelio Iced Carmel Macchiato Terri Schiavo Malignant Carcinoma Carmageddon Bosnia and Herzegovina Wingardium Leviosa Bingblardium Bleviblosa Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Carmageddon Pilates Instructor How I Met Your Mother Abracadabra
What I Imagine "Game Of Thrones" Is Like Based On...
The sun rises over a castle, a castle made of swords and pegasuses and gargoyles shaped like dongs. In the distance, 100 concubines have sex with their sisters and step-dads. EDDARD STARK: I, Eddard Stark, am a warrior of the Dawn-Dune. I have bedded many lady-women in the dew of Beowulf’s May-Pole. LORD PATYR “LITTLEFINGER” BAELISH: I, Lord Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish, have blood...
Upcoming Urban Outfitters Books
Hot Sad Girls With Gout 100 Recipes For Tea You Can Put Your Dick In Where’s Waldo?: Coachella Edition Indians Dressed Up As The Other Type Of Indians Ronald Reagan Looking At Cameltoes How To Quit Quitting Smoking Girls With Bangs With Rosacea 4 Hipstamatic Pictures of Dead Stepmoms Beardception: A Beard Within A Beard Bomb-Ass Toddlers This Is Not My Dentist Mein Kampf And...
Vote For Me
Today I am announcing my candidacy for President of the United States. Yes, TODAY. The 12th day of May in the year 1 A.G. (After Ga’Hoole). Yes, THE UNITED STATES. You know, the one with that one state (Colorado, or maybe I am thinking of West Carolina). I believe we can return America to a country with superpower status and supermodel looks (example: add boobs to the Lincoln Memorial, add...
Get ready for a new batch of celebrity perfumes and colognes in 2011! CELEBRITY: Donald Trump TITLE: Firéëd (For Her) SCENT: Musk, burnt orphans, a diamond shaped like a ruby, burnt eyelashes, crème, Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate, some slaves *** CELEBRITY: Guy Fieri TITLE: Sweatin’ From My Crannies (For Her) SCENT: Right moob sweat, upper thigh sweat, pot pies, Aorta sweat, Gogurt...
Sex & The Post-Apocalyptic Dystopian Landscape
(CARRIE, MIRANDA, CHARLOTTE, and SAMANTHA sit around a brunch table in a smoldering crater after the Apocalypse. They sip mimosa glasses filled with scarab beetles and blood. SAMANTHA is on fire.) CARRIE: Ladies, have you ever noticed how hard it is to find a good man in this post-Apocalyptic dystopian landscape?! MIRANDA: Have I ever!! It seems like all the good men are either taken or don’t have...
Historians just discovered a bunch of previously unpublished Shakespearean manuscripts! The Bastard, The Wife, And The Whor’ Richard the Roman Num’ral’d The Snowpocalypse of Henry the Parch-Toothed the VXXXCCDXIIIXASSXIVIII My Dog Skip Snide Wives For A Farthing Snide Wives For A Farthing 2: Baby Geniuses Earth-Poplin Day The Whore and The Wife Richard, Just Plain Ol’ Richard!!!!! Antiochus’...
Dear Charlie Sheen
DEAR CHARLIE: I hope you can help with an etiquette question. Is it rude for me to ask for an extra invite to my friend’s wedding? – DONNA MURRAY, KANSAS CITY, KS DEAR DONNA: Donna. Donna. Or should I say, “Jew-Harpy Stephen Spielberg.” This is all about YOU isn’t it. You JEW-CLOWN, this is all about DONNA’S problems, what about Charlie’s problems?!?! Trick question, CHARLIE DOESN’T...
Things To Do Before I Die
See Paris See anything (I’m blind) Swim WITHOUT dolphins for ONCE Milk one of God’s lesser beasts (bat, eel, etc.) Climb a mountain (acceptable types of mountains: hard rock candy, Brokeback) Go back in time and go to Hitler and be like hey come on Tickle a bat ;) Finally ask out Rick (he is so cute, he makes Brad Pitt look ugly and/or like a bat!!) Stay up all night to see the sunrise or at least...
Solo Valentine's Day
For a holiday invented by Mary Todd Lincoln and a yellow M&M according to this Wikipedia page on “Valentine’s Day” I just wrote, Valentine’s Day sure can be a drag. It just makes you feel so alone if you’re not lucky enough to have a significant other or committed conjoined twin (I only have a fraternal twin brother, but I stapled him to my body because I’m PROACTIVE). Anyway, I’ve heard...
Guy 1: Look at those chicks over there, dude. They’re getting in a huge pillow fight. Guy 2: Man, there is nothing hotter than two chicks fighting! I’m so proud to be a dude with a chick-fight boner! Guy 1: I prefer “boner-American”!!!! (high five like you’ve never seen before) Guy 2: I hear you about the chick fight, and the fact that one of the chicks is stuffing her pillow with knives and...
Get ready for these great upcoming new shows on your favorite cable TV channels in 2011! TLC Short AND Fat! Large Cupcakes!: Cupcakes The Size Of Full-Sized Cakes! Too Many Kids! Uh Oh, I Taxadermied My Stepson! Not Enough Kids! Kate Plus Some Muslims! (Miniseries) Sarah Palin’s Dog Show With Midgets Instead Of Dogs So It’s A MIDGET SHOW! MTV 16 And Barren Made: I Want To Have Anemia Thanks...
MILA KUNIS: I’m going to dance the Black Swan. NATALIE PORTMAN: No, that’s my role. I’m going to dance the Black Swan. (Door bursts open.) PAULA ABDUL: No, you’re both wrong. I’M GOING TO DANCE THE BLACK SWAN!!!!!!!! (PAULA applauds for herself and winks at two non-existent TV cameras. She spits out a tooth.) MILA & NATALIE: Oh, Paula, not again! (PAULA hits her baby toes with a hammer...
How I imagine my twin brother Alec would give my eulogy. We’re gathered here today to say our last goodbyes to Megan Amram. To some, she was a daughter, to others, a dumb fat person, to still others, a fat person. What do you say about a girl who was able to combine shooting a basket on the wrong hoop in 6th grade basketball with being fat? Not much before you get bored of being at this funeral...
Rejected Hallmark Cards
BIRTHDAY Front: Happy 78th birthday! Inside: In America, the average life expectancy is 78 years and 5 months. GET WELL SOON Front: The word ”Ebola” sure sounds funny when you say it a lot!!! Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola, Ebola. Inside: Get well soon. FATHER’S DAY Front: Happy Father’s Day to the best father I’ve ever...
It's Getting Hard To Use All Of The Whale
Legend has it that ancient Inuits used every part of the whales that they hunted. INUIT HUSBAND: What’s for dinner tonight, honey? INUIT WIFE: More like, “what’s for whale tonight, whaley”? (laughs) Or even, like, “whale’s whale whale whale-night, honwhale?” (laughs) It’s whale, obviously! (laughs) INUIT HUSBAND: I should have guessed. It’s always whale. What part this time? INUIT WIFE: Well,...
Because I was raised as a Jew, a woman, and a Democrat, I was denied the luxury of celebrating Christmas. In December, when the other children would dream of sugarplums, I would dream of regular plums. When the other children would dream about Nutcrackers, I would dream of regular plums (I’m super into plums). I just knew Christmas as that day where my family would eat Chinese Food and mom would...
What Your Dreams Say About You
DREAM: You are being pursued by a serial killer. MEANING: You have an irrational fear of serial killers. DREAM: You have a big test at school but forgot to study. MEANING: You are feeling inadequate about something in the wiener-department. Maybe the top of your wiener? There’s a “top,” right? I don’t really “get” wieners. DREAM: It’s the apocalypse. MEANING: You have a big test at...
Recently, I‘ve gotten really into romance novels. Here are some of the blurbs from my absolute FAVES! “Molly McInvaille is your typical Irish beauty: red hair, green eyes, more than one eye. A poor milkmaid, she believes that she will remain a virgin for the rest of her life due to her extreme beauty (boys in this historical period like cool personalities and not looks). Unfortunately...
45-Year-Old Nancy Drew Reflects
NANCY: How was your day, honey? ALLEN: Long. I’m completely exhausted. You? NANCY: Allen, I was looking through my old case files in the attic today, and I’m seriously thinking of getting back into the detective business. The children are grown, and I feel like it could be really good for me! ALLEN: This is just the hysterectomy talking. NANCY: I’ve even thought of a title for my first case. I’ll...
November 2 was a big day for America. No, I’m not talking about Election Day or Tues Day; it was Dia De Los Muertos (from the Spanish for “Day Of The Muertos”). Over the past week, I’ve been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to live in a country like the U.S. Namely, Dubai, which is like the U.S. in a lot of important ways (economic, topographic, textile, etc., etc.). But then, as I...
Where Not To See Celebs
I’ve lived in Hollywood for six weeks now (that’s 42 in Hollywood-slut-weeks), and it seems like everywhere I turn there’s another celebrity. On Hollywood Blvd. – it’s Charlie Sheen, punching a nun in the boob! In Beverly Hills – it’s Jon Gosselin, wearing an “I Am A Celebrity” dickie! In my binoculars – it’s a sexy male nurse, undressing in front of the very window that my binoculars are aimed...
No Babies, Please!
Most girls have the same life goals: date a boy, get voted Homecoming Queen (popular and electoral votes), get married, take a picture of a Chupacabra, renew your vows, get divorced, renew your divorce-vows, eat a pie behind a middle school, get remarried, and have a baby. Call me crazy, but no baby for me, please! I want my life to be fun and easy, not, as Shakespeare might say, “done and queasy”...
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Little is known about the fifth Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Picasso. MICHELANGELO: Totally rad — this toxic waste has made us into, like, super-turtles!! PICASSO: Bros, I don’t feel so great after all that toxic waste. LEONARDO: I’m stronger than ever and I can easily wield this Japanese sword I just found. How about you, Picasso? What’s your special new power? PICASSO: I’m nauseous, and...
Girlfriend Cover Letter
To Whom It May Concern: My name is Megan Amram, and this letter is to express my interest in the position of “Matt’s Girlfriend.” The opportunity presented in this listing is very appealing, and I believe that my experience, desperation, and non-FDA-approved scratch-and-sniff tramp stamp will make me a competitive candidate for this position. The key strengths that I possess for success in this...
I INVENTED FACEBOOK
We can all agree: the world is going to the dogs. It seems like everywhere you look, someone is joining a gang (Team Jacob) or is hosting an underground cockfight (BYOC) or helping an old woman cross the street but then whispering in her ear, “you will never have any more babies out of your body.” This lack of morals, propriety, and fertility extends to my life. You see, I invented Facebook, and...
Test TEST TEST TEST Daddy please come home TEST