***LOST MASKING TAPE***
***LOST MASKING TAPE***
Dannon Birth Control on the Bottom
The New York Times would like to issue corrections for the wedding announcement of Mr. Adam Penview to Ms. Katie Jasper that ran in yesterday’s paper.
We incorrectly identified in the announcement that Mr. Adam Penview and Ms. Katie Jasper were married at the Church of the Holy Trinity in Manhattan. They were married at St. Brigid’s.
Additionally, we inaccurately wrote that the groom “attended Cornell University and double-majored in English and Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends.” Mr. Penview, in fact, only majored in English. He did not major in “Humping Other English Majors’ Girlfriends,” as that is not currently an existing track of study at Cornell or any other accredited university.
We erroneously wrote yesterday that Mr. Penview was the “son of Dr. Ryan Penview, a third-generation ophthalmologist, and Mrs. Claire Penview, a Zuckerberg-ass beaver-bitch.” Mrs. Penview practiced law in New York State until 2004, and is considered by many to be a friendly and beautiful member of her community, bearing no resemblance whatsoever to Mark Zuckerberg or his rear end. “Beaver-bitch” is not a profession.
We mischaracterized the bride as having worn “a peace [sic] of shit mayonnaise tent. Also, you know how sometimes people see the Virgin Mary in stuff? It was like that, except you could see Hitler in the wedding dress, but specifically because she had hand-embroidered a picture of Hitler in her dress.” In truth, Ms. Jasper wore Amsale.
We incorrectly noted yesterday that the couple met “while the bride was dating the totally devoted and now very successful Assistant New York Times Wedding Section Editor Dan Gould. Dan guesses he just wasn’t good enough for you Katie, because you had to go hump that piece of shit Adam Penview that you met at the English major mixer while Dan left Ithaca for the weekend to go to his Nana’s 90th birthday in Needham, Mass. Dan even brought you back a hat from the birthday party that said ‘Ethel’s Doin’ It For One Night Only.’ FYI, Adam, it counts as incest if you sleep with another English major’s girlfriend, since English majors are BASICALLY BROTHERS. Nana will live forever!!!” Though factually correct, the New York Times apologizes for the way in which Mr. Penview and Ms. Jasper’s first meeting and relationship history were portrayed. Additionally, the hat actually read “Ethel’s Not 90…She’s 89.95 Plus Tax.” She has since passed.
We wrote that the couple was married by “a dildo with googly eyes, which is the kind of freaky stuff Adam is into.” They were married by Father Norman Murray. Additionally, Mr. Penview is into regular stuff.
Yesterday, we printed that “God Katie sorry I’m writing all this I’ve taken a lot of Robitussin you are so beautiful. You look like a young Nancy Kerrigan. Oh God I love you.” In fact, Mr. Gould had only taken a moderate amount of Robitussin.
We wrote yesterday that “Katie sorry you can’t fucking deal with my Jew strength you blimp-bitch.” Ms. Jasper, in truth, can deal with said Jew strength.
Yesterday, we wrote “Katie, I’m so sorry, oh God, please come back, I think you can get weddings annulled really easily, it’s like a five-second rule type thing. Also Adam, I’m really sorry about all the googly eye stuff, I actually think you’re a pretty good guy, I once had a dream that you were a creature that had your torso and face but a gay man’s body and you saved me from Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Contagion.’ Granted, I had taken a lot of Robitussin that night, but when I woke up I did feel sincerely indebted to the top-half of you.” I don’t know where to start. The New York Times is just so sorry for this entire paragraph.
Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!
We wrote in the paragraph above that “Hey just kidding about all these things that we said we retracted, we’re just the dumb ol New York Times what do we know about anything but hard candy and old wrinkly balls!!!!!” In actuality, Dan Gould just broke back into the Corrections Department and stole the computer that I’m writing this on. He has been promptly escorted from the building and arrested. In addition, The New York Times is an extremely current print newspaper that offers breaking unbiased news and fun crossword puzzles. Fuck Dan Gould.
We retract “Fuck Dan Gould.”
We apologize for these mistakes.
How to begin this review? Few countries that debuted in the 1700s have been as controversial or long running (it’s into its 236th season now) as America. It may not have the staying power of perennial favorites such as China or the credibility of indie darlings such as Finland, but America has proven that it can at least make some cultural impact. It’s not the best, but hey, they can’t all be Louie.
America was originally a spinoff of the long-running England. Airing from the 1776-77 season through today, America focuses on a small ensemble of white people using things in the ground to become rich or kill brown people. A sprawling dramedy, it combines all of the loose plot points of a Tyler Perry sitcom with all the fun of being white.
It has widely focused on the themes of war, freedom, sitting, Fenway Park, maps, the one true Christian god, rugs, pregnancy tits, Vice Magazine, butterfaces, coal, butterdicks, “Where’s the Beef?,” Chicago, Larry Flynt, colonialism, Terri Schiavo, NBC single-camera sitcoms, toddlers, suicide pacts, Atari, penny farthing bicycles, SpaghettiO’s (Cool Ranch flavor), tiny dolls, the TLC show Sister Wives, H1N1, television, and genocide. It has some unique perspective every once in awhile, but honestly, America can be super derivative. Most of the stories have already been on The Simpsons.
A lot of episodes in America don’t really hold up. Slavery? Parachute pants? White slavery? It just feels really overdone now. Among the most memorable episodes are “The Civil War,” “Texas,” “World War” (a two-parter), and “Black President.”
Some of the storylines are also a bit of a stretch. Are they really expecting us to believe that they killed all the Indians and that all those Indians did to deserve it was invent Diabetes?! And come on – that stuff in the 9/11 episode could not have happened without someone working on the inside. That makes no sense. “9/11” jumped the shark. Hard.
It’s been on so long that no one wants to comment on the OBVIOUS PLOT HOLES. Such awful continuity. Like, how could it be explained that in season 170, George H.W. Bush fathered a retarded son, but then in season 225, that son became president?! Really terrible continuity. I would like to point out that I appreciate a recent callback to earlier plots. Around seasons 174-184, some of the anti-feminist and sexist storylines were put on the backburner, but it’s nice that we’ve seen a resurgence in this last season.
There’s a lot of homosexual undertones to the country. The Very Special Episode about Lewis & Clark was revised to not include the fact that they originally named Oregon after the French word for “gay-ween butt-orgy” (“Baguette”). Baseball, the “American Pastime,” is about using bats (“dicks”) to hit balls (“balls”) all while blowing each other in the dugout (“RBI”). And how about the American flag? Obviously 13 dicks going into 50 buttholes.
America has time and time again proved itself as a launching ground for young starlets. It’s fun seeing people before they became huge stars, like John Ritter, Stella McCartney, Theodore John “Ted” Kaczynski, and Ted “Ted” Bundy. But the ensemble works best when we see the regulars yearn for a raise or promotion, struggle with Mary Tyler Moore’s foibles and be there for Mary Tyler Moore when the going gets rough. I stole this from a review for The Mary Tyler Moore Show, but I think it completely and entirely makes sense to literally lift from that review and drop it into this context as well.
As someone with more quirky and alt tastes, I can’t say that America is my favorite thing to watch. I’m more into Breaking Bad. Have you seen season 4?! Season 4 of Breaking Bad is flawless. Season 4 of America is VERY uneven. It had no main black characters. Girls, much?! I love The Wire!
I just hope to God (the American/right one) that they don’t pull some deus ex machina shit at the end of this series. Like, there’s nuclear war with North Korea, or they’ve been dead the whole time or something.
Anyway, it may have veered off wildly from the pilot, but America is definitely worth a look. It’s an interesting experiment in the world of primetime sovereign nations. What the characters lack in consistency, they make up for in body weight, lingering racism, and inconsistency. But it makes for a quick and easy viewing, and can often surprise you with heartfelt turns. It’s like eating Cool Ranch SpaghettiO’s on a warm summer’s eve. And hey, sometimes things get really good right before they’re cancelled.
MY RATING: 50 stars (out of 100).
ABOUT THIS PROJECT
Hi you guys! Joe Biden and the rest of the gang here! :) We’re looking for some awesome people to help us Kickstart our dream project of having a functioning federal government! That’s where you come in: all we’re asking for is a little help. And twenty trillion dollars.
As you may know, we (the United States government) are a little strapped for cash. Salvage a first-world government’s economy? In this economy?! As the kids say, “LOL!” (Laugh On Line!) We may be the ones responsible for “this economy” in the first place but still. Uncle Sam may have gotten us into this mess, but WE WANT YOU…to GET US OUT!
There is little if any funding available for small-to-midsize debt-based projects such as this. Through Kickstarter, with your support, the country that you live in can remain a free sovereign nation instead of having to sell Ohio to China, cause then Ohio would probably start speaking Chinese, and that’s FUCKED UP.
A LITTLE BACKGROUND:
For those of you who don’t know, the USA is the best! Originally from England, the United States government has been a major world power since it was founded in 1776. The U.S. has brought you such great things such as sugar, mistresses, and obesity. Proud home to milk and Ashton Kutcher. Really into righteous wars!
For those of you into civil rights: no slavery! For those of you into slavery: we used to have slavery!
Imagine that famous picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated of Terri Schiavo holding an American flag. That’s our flag! On second thought, I think that was a painting I did in 2004 after doing grass for one of the first times. Still, she looks great in a tankini. As the kids say, “LOL!” (LOL A Lot!)
We’d like the United States to be fiscally autonomous. It’s been in the works for many years now, and we think it could be great. Thanks to Kickstarter, we have a chance to reach individuals who will personally bail us out of this mess. How great, for us!
I know it’s a crazy dream, but hey – this is a country of dreamers. Dreamers, and Christians.
HELP US, BACKERS, YOU’RE OUR ONLY HOPE!:
Just a little Star Wards humor for ya!
Live A Little! Give A Lot (“GOL”)!
We’ve tried pretty much everything else at this point: war, selling some cars, literally making more money (you’d think that would work!!), blaming people, blaming gay “people,” war, and debt. None of that has touched the debt. Except debt, which has made the debt worse. Also, war!
If we’re able to meet our Kickstarter goal, you will have literally been part of a miracle. A miracle in the great Judeo-Christian tradition of this fair country. Of dreamers!
BACK THIS PROJECT
PLEDGE $10 OR MORE
For your fairly useless donation to help the United States of America not founder under the multi-trillion dollar debt that we have amassed over decades of misspending and unnecessary wars that some may argue constitute war crimes, you get a tote.
PLEDGE $20 OR MORE
If you donate $20, we will list you as an associate producer of the Government by carving your name into the Vietnam War Memorial. You can tell all your friends you’re a ghost because you died in the Vietnam War! You know – the righteous one!
PLEDGE $25 OR MORE
I didn’t want to say this to the $20 people, but those guys are assholes. What kind of an asshole only donates $20 to a multitrillion dollar debt that is growing by 4 billion every day and has no sign of slowing? $25, now that’s the MONEY-money! If you donate $25, you get a tote (large).
PLEDGE $50 OR MORE
You’ve finally taken the responsibility of the country into your own hands! I will make you a tie-dye t-shirt and cook you and five of your friends a hot dog BBQ at my gf’s place. I date her for her BBQ pit.* She’s like a 4. But she’s got a sweet pit. *I call her vagina her “BBQ Pit.”
PLEDGE $100 OR MORE
If you pledge $100, which so far only my mom has done and Barack’s mother-in-law has done (let’s get on this, people), you will not only receive Special Thanks in the State of the Union as well as on the back of all nickels minted this year at the Denver mint, but Stephanie, our videographer, will take you to a Foster the People (“FOPOL”) cover band (“Foster!”) concert on October 28th, and yes, you can tell people it’s a date. This concert’s going to be great! They’re going to play “Pumped Up Kicks” 14 times and then, maybe if you clap enough, they’ll do an encore and it will be “Pumped Up Kicks”!!!
PLEDGE $100,000 OR MORE
Well HEY there, Mr. Hollywood producer!! A pledge of one hundred thousand dollars or more will get you a walk-on role in the next meeting of Congress. Your vote for bills and propositions will be legally binding, so have fun! Don’t name any public parks after racial slurs!
PLEDGE $1,000,000 OR MORE
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000 OR MORE
We will change the American Flag!! We will replace each star with your face. Unless you’re black, since the stars are white and it really makes sense for them to be as close to white as possible. Though, if you’re giving a billion dollars, we’ll assume you’re white or maybe a Dubaian light brown!!!!!!!
PLEDGE $1,000,000,050 OR MORE
Everything from the $1,000,000,000 level, plus a tote.
PLEDGE $1,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Start whatever war you want!! You want a new Civil War where Asians have to fight their brown Asian brothers???? You got it, bucko!!!! Hate crime Pollacks? A PLUS+++. You want to take over Ireland? Those Pollacks haven’t done anything in years. JUST want to kill Disney Channel kid stars?!? THAT’S PRACTICALLY LEGAL ALREADY! Kill a girl. Kill a kid. You got it.
PLEDGE $20,000,000,000,000 OR MORE
Kill so many kids. (KOL!)
I’m dating a man who I think I love, but I’m afraid he’s having an affair. He comes home late, he acts suspiciously, and he even has red lipstick on his collar. Should I confront him or just hope for the best?
- County Af-fair
Red lipstick? Your husband is a Communist. Divorce him and sell his clothes, children, and pens to make money to spend on cars, human slaves, and bigger pens. This will simultaneously stimulate the economy and punish the slaves for not having jobs. Slaves: what lazybones!
Hope this helps,
I’m trying to figure out which color dress to get my daughter for her First Communion. Is red gauche?
- Paint the Dress Red
Hmmm, this is a tough one. On one hand, I hate Communism (“Reds”). On the other hand, I hate religion. On the third hand, I hate women. FYI, do you know how I got that third hand? I bought it from a child! Ho HO! He was easily tricked into selling me his hand for a nickel and a pious man’s drum! I have a baker’s dozen child-hands in my glove compartment!!!!
Hope this helps,
My baby daughter is turning one year old, and I don’t know if I should throw her a birthday party or not. What should I do? I’d appreciate any advice.
- One is the Loneliest Number
DO NOT reward this tiny unemployed Jew with a party. Your so-called “baby” is most likely an immigrant (read: LAZYBONE) who doesn’t contribute to her family’s income and gives terrible, poor-people gifts like HD-DVDs and sand. Unrelated question: does your baby have any spare hands?
Hope this helps,
My in-laws are coming to Thanksgiving dinner at my house for the first time. I’m not great at hosting: how do I make sure we have enough food and that we all get along?
- Turkey Lurkey
The lavish Thanksgiving meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the RESULT AND REWARD OF PRODUCTION. Do you see a poor “person” on the street? (NOTE: I put “person” in quotes because poor people are more like CHAIRS in my book because you should SIT on them.) Ask this “person” (read: chair) for his half-sandwich for your Thanksgiving meal. Does he not relinquish that symbol for all American pride, the half-sandwich? Does he not relinquish his half-BLT, his half-PB&J? Distract him with some sort of juvenile puppet-based theater and steal that half-sandwich. That is YOUR HALF-SANDY, for YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE A GOD EATING A HALF-HAM-AND-CHEESE SANDY. Note: to be clear, it is half of a ham-and-cheese sandwich, not a whole half-ham and cheese sandwich.
Hope this helps,
Are you the warrant and the sanction?
- Dawdling In Dallas
I am the warrant and the sanction.
I don’t mean to be offensive, but your writing is overwhelmingly juvenile and one-note. How did you become such an influential figure, a cornerstone of the landscape of American conservative politics? You write like a petulant child.
- Hollis Hurlbut, Professor of Comparative Literature, Harvard University
Your mom’s juvenile.
Hope this helps,
I’m in Los Angeles for a day and I don’t have much spending cash. What are some fun things to do that are cheap and easy?
- SoCal SoCheap
Here are some options:
Tattoo “laissez faire” on a celebrity’s bagel.
Build a statue of me, Ayn Rand, out of cheap materials (rose gold, the word of a liberal, Mexican day labor).
Throw that statue at the Chair who built it (aim for the throat).
Go to the zoo and taunt an animal smaller than you (human children count).
Make a coat out of some Dalmatians.
Push a baby into another baby and point and laugh while they cry and then trip the babies and then laugh more at those babies that you tripped.
Make a coat out of someone with Medicare.
Hope this helps,
I’m considering becoming a Communist. Should I become a Communist?
- Commie Dearest
Hope this helps,
If I yell enough at gays and Jews and Mexicans and Michael J. Foxes, will my daddy love me? Will he kiss me on the face and not throw paperweights at my face and love me?
- Rush Limbaugh
Hope this helps,
I caught my wife reading Atlas Shrugged the other day. She’s been acting strange ever since: yelling for no reason, physically harming children, stealing from those poorer than us, hating other women. Do you know what’s wrong?
Atlas My Love Has Come Again
Women can’t read.
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VENCEDOR - notificaзгo final::
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OMG just saw the original version of that Sarah McLachlan animal cruety “Angel” video…this is SO crazy, omg
Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!
1 lb. bag of Skittles
3 cups ranch dressing
Mix well. Serve room temperature.
PAULA’S BROWN RICE
1 pilaf white rice
1 bowl melted Junior Mints
Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.
SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES
1 dozen (12) Cadbury eggs
2 lbs. Frito crumbs
1 package extra-fat pork lard
1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice
Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden-brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.
PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER
3 bags Olive Garden® Endless Breadsticks
12 Olive Garden® Stuffed Mushrooms
1 plate Olive Garden® New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken
4 Olive Garden® Black Tie Mousse Cakes
1 slice American cheese (optional)
Smash all of the Olive Garden® foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lowest calories, hold the cheese.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE® SMOOTHIE
34 lbs. sugar
Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white wine tumblers or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body like Paula does!
BUFFET AND A BURGER
1 Las Vegas buffet
Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)
Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES
18 sticks of butter, mashed
1 pair Jellies shoes
Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, and then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PIZZA PANTS
10’x20’ swath of pizza
Another pizza to use as pepperonis on the pizza
FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas
Smuckers magic shell ice cream topping
3 bags gummy bears
Caesar salad dressing
Wood chips (as a thickener)
1 sewing machine
1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)
Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!
PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN
Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching Pawn Stars and eat your pants and then slap your niece.
INSULIN AU GRATIN
1 insulin shot
15 lbs. block of cheddar cheese
Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 glass sparkling water
Put ham in water.
Like white wine but red
Like bad wine
Tastes like what I had as a kid in the orphanage